Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
