I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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