you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
