i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
