The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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