Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
