Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the condom got lost in my hair
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
