Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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