i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
