I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
