You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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