Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
