make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
