just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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