Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
