I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
