i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
