My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
