Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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