my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We were destined to go to rehab together
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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