Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
