She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
