you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
