Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
