I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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