woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
