btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
