DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
