Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
