Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
