I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They are going to name an STD after you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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