connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
