Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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