I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
