my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Come on in and take your pants off
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