My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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