Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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