I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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