I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
