People with herpes should wear stickers.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
