Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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