I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
