I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
