Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
