She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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