He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
