I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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