She's JV to your varsity
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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