I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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