Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
