Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
