my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
