mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
