I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
