You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
